Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
sugar glider wrangler
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no