@TheBoydP: Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home...
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@TweetsByTheTony: [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E
@drwgmawr: Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.
@TheAlexNevil: I've had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said "C'mon, can't we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes."
@cuppajosh: With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!