“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
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Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*