Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
How actors in movies eat their food