Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
2023 was just a warmup
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.