Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
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Mad Max: Furry Road
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)