Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.