“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Brilliant!
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Swedish for common sense.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
True.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.