“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.