Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
You Might Also Like
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Hmm, not sure about this change
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD