*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My plans: 2020:
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.