*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”