*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Attacked by a mop.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.