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@chuuew: [gets anchor tattoo removed]
[slowly floats towards the sun]
@MissNaughty1801: Him:I'm not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don't be so hasty darling...give them another chance
@topaz_kell: Nothing ruins a game of hide and seek like when the cops let the K9 off the leash.
@djdarrellripley: You may be little now, but don't be discouraged. Someday, you'll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
@BoomBoomBetty: Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
@Rollmaninoz: *pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!