*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
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watergate? u mean a dam??
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Just a phase…
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
This makes total sense…
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot