*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
#SaturdayBears
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.