*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
You Might Also Like
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If you know, you know
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
May never get over this