*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
our love story in four pictures
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy