*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.