[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
🤣🤣🤣
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
2022 will be better than 2021
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong