*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I triple waxed for this?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.