It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Guys, I found it.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
shut up and take my money
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”