John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
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[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
i wish all
whales
a very
big
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.