@hazelmotes1: *gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
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@GrumpyComments: Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn't actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
@UnFitz: Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks? Him: Thought you said they were baked. Her: I said YOU were baked.
@scottthetwat: Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
@MartaEffing: Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.