* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
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Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Fiction has to make sense.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring