*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.