*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
🤣🤣
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?