COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?