Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese