8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Huge”.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids