*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Chicken bread
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff