*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
lmfao come on
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.