[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Hamburger Hinderer.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”