*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.