Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile