*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“Sheer Arrogance”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything