<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
50 shades of grey = my Liver
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”