<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I’ve had relationships like this
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I would like even faster food.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.