[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Make new friends? bro out of what?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.