*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
It do be feeling this way.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store