*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.