[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise