*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
lmao
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.