[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?