Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You Might Also Like
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter