[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy