[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).