*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Good morning.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.