*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!