*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
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You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur