*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.